The Cullens Discover Mad Libs
by CrankyFrenchLady88
Summary: What happens when the Cullens discover Mad Libs? Some pretty crazy things. Rated T for future topics. After Eclipse, Before Breaking Dawn.
1. Alice's Awesome Idea

_**Disclaimer: **__I own nothing, not even Edward Cullen, the amazing and talented Stephenie Meyer does (sob) I also do not own Mad Libs_

_**Chapter One: Alice's awesome Idea**_

_**Bella POV:**_

"Hey Everybody! Guess what!" cried Alice running down the stairs.

Edward and I were up in my room doing homework.

"What does Alice want?" I asked Edward.

"Hold on a second, I'll find out." he said.

A few seconds later after reading her mind, his facial expression went from calm, to an expression of pure horror.

"What is it?" I asked again.

"Apparently Alice has discovered this new thing called Mad Libs, and she wants us all to come do them with her." He explained.

"Oh, no! Not another one of Alice's ideas! Although I have to admit, Mad Libs are fun… hmmm. Let's do them to make her happy." I said.

"Fine, but what are Mad Libs any way?" Edward asked.

"Mad Libs are these paragraphs with blanks in them, you have to put in whatever part of speech that it says." I explained.

"That doesn't seem very interesting." he said.

"Oh, trust me they are, now lets go!"

After everyone was gathered in the living room, Alice told everyone else her idea.

"I was at the mall and I saw these things called Mad Libs. They looked fun, so I bought them. These are the directions straight from the Mad Libs book…" said Alice,

" _In this tablet you will find stories containing blank spaces where words are left out. One player, the READER, selects one of these stories. The READER does not tell anyone what the story is about. _

_Instead he/she asks the other players, the WRITERS, to give him/her words. The READER asks each WRITER in turn to call out a word (an adjective or a noun or whatever the space calls for) and _

_uses them to fill in the blank spaces in the story. Then the READER reads the completed story." _once Alice was done reading the instructions, they picked Carlisle to be the reader and the rest

of them to be writers. Then the fun really started…

_**This is my first fanfic so please bear with me. Please read and review.**_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88 **_


	2. The fun begins

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Mad Libs, Kentucky Fried Chicken (YUM!), or the "Rubber Duckie song" from Sesame Street.**_

_**Chapter 2: Mad Lib 1- A Tour of Hollywood**_

_**Bella POV**_

"Okay," said Carlisle, "Emmett, lets start with you, we need a plural noun."

"Alright, lets see… Ooh! I got one!" Emmett exclaimed.

"Let me guess, Grizzly Bears?" asked Bella.

"How did you know that? You crazy mind reader!" cried Emmett.

"Actually, I'm the mind reader." said Edward, "And Bella is NOT crazy!"

"Sorry Bella" said Emmett.

"Rosalie, we need another plural noun." said Carlisle.

"Hmmm… Ah hah! I've got it! BMWs!" cried Rosalie.

"Alright, Bella we need the name of a person in the room." said Carlisle.

"Edward." answered Bella.

"Of course she says Edward." said Rosalie.

Edward turned and growled at her.

"Edward." warned Bella.

"Sorry." he said.

"Okay, Edward we need a noun." said Carlisle.

"That's easy," said Edward "piano."

"Esme, could you give me an adjective?" asked Carlisle.

"Sure," said Esme "lets see… klutzy."

" I'm guessing you were thinking of Bella when you chose that." said Emmett.

"Hah Hah, very funny." said Bella sarcastically.

"Alright, Alice I need a noun." Carlisle said.

"Okay, I've got it! Mall!"

"Now, Jasper I need an adjective." said Carlisle.

"Okay." said Jasper, "How about crazy."

"Okay, now I want to do one, lets see, an adjective hmm… how about hilarious." said Carlisle.

"Now, CrankyFrenchLady88 we need a…"

"Wait a second, who the heck is CrankyFrenchLady88?" asked Bella.

"Carlisle's new imaginary friend." answered Edward.

"Yes," said Carlisle, "now be quiet I need to listen. Uh huh, Uh huh. She says that for a plural noun we should put guitars."

"Now, back to Emmett, we need a body part." said Carlisle.

"I've got one." said Emmett, "a butt."

"Rosalie," said Carlisle, "we need a plural noun." "Hmm… I've got one: mutts."

Just then Jacob, Quil, Embry, and Sam came in.

"You could knock first." said Edward.

"Sorry, we couldn't think straight because it smelled like bloodsuckers out there, and it smells even worse in here." said Jacob.

"Watch it mutt!" said Rosalie angrily.

"Hey guys, we were just talking about you, you're the stars of our new Mad lib." said Emmett.

"So, you're doing Mad Libs, can we play?" asked Quil.

"Sure, the more the merrier." chirped Bella.

"Ok, Jacob, we need an adjective." said Carlisle.

"Okay, how about smelly."

"Smelly it is then," said Carlisle, "Quil, we need a verb."

"Hmmm… lets see, how about a life threatening jump?" asked Quil.

"Fine with me," said Carlisle, "Okay, Embry we need an adjective."

"Lets see… I've got it! Sparkly!"

"Sam, we need a body part." said Carlisle.

"Okay, how about a pancreas."

"Alrighty then, Bella we need a plural noun." said Carlisle.

"Okay, I pick vampires." said Bella.

"Edward, we need a noun." said Carlisle.

"How about a rubber duck?"

"Okay, CrankyFrenchLady88 loves rubber duckies!" exclaimed Carlisle.

"Who is that?" asked Jacob.

"Carlisle's imaginary friend." answered Bella.

"Has he taken any illegal drugs lately?" asked Embry.

"Sadly, no. If he did this would all make sense. I think the old man has finally lost it." sighed Bella.

"Rubber duckie, you're the one, you make bath time so much fun! Rubber duckie you're the one for me!" sang Carlisle loudly.

"Ahem, Carlisle, as much as we all enjoyed your song, we should get back to the Mad Libs." said Edward.

"Okey-dokey Artichokey!" said Carlisle.

"Esme, we need the name of another person in the room."

"Okay, I pick Jasper." said Esme.

"Alright, Alice we need a number."

"Okay, how about 12,345,888." said Alice.

"Ok, last but not least, Jasper, we need a body part but it must be plural."

said Carlisle. "Okay, I choose livers." said Jasper.

"Alright, let me just write these in and we can read the Mad Lib." said Carlisle.

Just then Bella got a paper cut and they had to restrain Jasper before he killed Bella and drank her blood.

EDWARD SPEAKING: "We're experiencing some, um, technical difficulties. We should be back and ready to read the Mad Libs tomorrow. Uh, Got to go! Jasper! No! Bad Jasper! Leave Bella alone! No! Ahhhhhhhh!

_**How did ya like chapter 2? I think it is my best piece of writing ever! But, that's my opinion. Please, Please! Read and Review!**_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchGirl88**_


	3. Reading the Mad Lib

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. I also do not own Mad Libs.**_

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Bella POV**_

_**Edward Speaking: **_Ok, sorry about that guys, we just had a small problem, and it has been fixed.

"Alright," said Carlisle, "Is everyone ready to hear our fantastic story?"

"Sure!" everyone said.

"How about you CrankyFrenchLady88?" asked Carlisle.

"Uh huh, okey dokey. She says she's ready." he announced.

Then Carlisle began to read the Mad Lib that is called "A Tour of Hollywood".

"_Good morning ladies and __**grizzly bears**__, boys and __**BMWs**__. My name is __**Edward**__. I am your personal __**piano **__guide. For the next six hours, we will delight in exploring romantic, __**klutzy **__Hollywood, the glamour __**mall **__of the world. Let's start off with a bang and visit Mann's __**crazy **__Chinese Theater, Hollywood's most __**hilarious **__tourist attraction. Etched in cement, you'll see the foot __**guitars **__and the __**butt **__prints of the most famous movie __**mutts **__ever to adorn the __**smelly **__screen. Then it's only a hop, skip, and a __**life threatening jump **__to Beverly Hills, the playground of the rich and __**sparkly**__. You will feast your __**pancreases **__on the million-dollar __**vampires **__of movie stars. You'll actually get to visit the home of today's hottest __**rubber duck**__ , __**Jasper Hale**__, who will sign autographs for the low, low sum of __**12,345,888 **__dollars. And Here's the Big One! For lunch, we'll be going to the studio commissary, where you can rub __**livers**__ with today's leading actors and actresses. All aboard!"_

"Okay… That was the weirdest thing I have ever heard." said Edward.

" Isn't it awesome?" asked Alice.

"Sure… whatever." said Rosalie.

"Edward, next time I want to try one of Alice's ideas, please slap me." said Bella

" I will not slap you, but I will remind you of this again and again until you change your mind okay?" said Edward.

"Thanks." said Bella.

Then they all headed up to their bedrooms leaving Alice standing there all by herself.

"Let me know when you want to do another one." called Alice.

"We won't." everyone else said.

_**Did you like that? It may seem like the story is over, but it is just beginning muahahahaha!**_ _**Big thanks to the following reviewers for giving me some great advice on how to correctly write my dialogue: **__Sara811, Luminous Mist, and slimjimjerky. __**Thanks to everyone else who either read or reviewed my story.**_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	4. Bella Goes Crazy

_**Disclaimer: I, CrankyFrenchLady88, do not own Twilight, Benedryl, Wipe Out, eBay, or Texas chainsaw Massacre.**_

_**Chapter 4: Bella Goes Crazy**_

Bella came running down the stairs and crashed into Edward.

"Edward," cried Bella, "Guess what?!"

"What?" asked Edward.

"I'm a ninja unicorn!" Bella exclaimed.

"A what?" Edward asked.

"I AM A NINJA UNICORN!!" screamed Bella jumping up and down.

"Where in the world did you come up with that?" asked Edward.

"I was just upstairs watching Wipe Out and eating chocolate, pixie sticks, marshmallows, cookies, ice cream, lollipops, and…"

"Wait a second, where did you get all of that?" asked Edward.

"EBay, now let me finish," said Bella, "I was also drinking Volt, Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Kool-Aid, Monster, and Chocolate syrup."

"No wonder you're so crazy, now you need to lie down." said Edward.

"NO!" yelled Bella, "Eddykinz, I want a piggy back ride."

"After you take a nap." Edward said.

"NO! PUT ME DOWN!!" cried Bella as Edward carried her to the couch.

"Carlisle," called Edward " I think we need a little help here."

Carlisle came into the room carrying his medical bag.

"Okay Bella, open up, this is sugar water as a treat for being so good." said Carlisle.

Bella swallowed the medicine without argument.

"What is it really." Whispered Edward.

"Benedryl." answered Carlisle

They waited for the Benedryl to kick in, but it never did.

So, they decided to try another tactic.

"Bella, would you like to watch a movie?" asked Carlisle.

"Sure." said Bella.

Then Edward put in _**Texas Chainsaw Massacre **_.

There was so much blood that Bella couldn't take any more and she passed out on the couch.

"Yes! It stopped!" cried Jasper, "Bella was feeling so hyper, it was driving me insane!"

Just then Alice was struck by an instant inspiration. She ran to her room to grab a pen and some paper. Alice was going to write a Mad lib.

_**Thank you so much **__edwardislauras __**for giving me this awesome idea. Any other ideas will be gladly accepted. **_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	5. Alice Writes Her Mad Lib

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, the fabulous Stephenie Meyer does.**_

_**Chapter 5**_

_**Alice POV:**_

I ran up to my room to get a pen and some paper. While Bella was acting all crazy I got a spark of inspiration. Her craziness would lead to the creation of the greatest Mad Lib EVER!! I began to write:

_Bella's Mad Lib:_

_One day a girl named __(__the name of a person in the room__) __was watching a __(__noun__) __on TV . She was eating lots of __(__plural noun__). __She got super __(__adjective__) __and ran screaming all around the __(__a place__). __They tired to make her fall asleep by giving her __(__plural__noun__). __When that didn't work they showed her/him a __(__adjective__)__movie called __(__title of a movie__). __There was so much __(__noun__) __that he/she passed out on the __(__noun__). __The __(__noun__) __of this __(__noun__) __is: never give a __(__adjective__) __girl/boy __(__plural noun__)._

Wow! This is the best Mad Lib ever in the whole history of the world! I better go show this to everyone and have them fill it out. Just then Emmett and Edward walked in. That's weird what are they doing in my room?

"Go, Emmett go!" yelled Edward.

Emmett leapt and snatched the Mad Lib away in his mouth and then ate it.

"Good vampire!" said Edward patting Emmett on the head.

"No!" I said, "my creation is ruined!"

This is the end of my Mad Libs.

But, I have a few ideas of what to do tomorrow for fun… Muahahahaha!

_**Did you like that? **_ _**I did. Please R&R. **_

_**Love, **_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88.**_


	6. Truth or Dare

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Dracula , **__**or The Red Cross. **_

_**Chapter 6**_

Everyone in the Cullen mansion was sick of Mad Libs. So they decided to play something else. Alice came up with an idea that everyone actually agreed on.

"Let's play Truth or Dare!" exclaimed Alice jumping up and down. But the Cullens liked to have fun, so they never EVER picked truth.

"Alright, we'll play" they all said.

"Bella, why don't you go first." said Alice.

"Okay," said Bella, "Edward, truth or dare?"

"Dare." said Edward.

"Okay, I dare you to lock yourself in your room and eat popcorn while watching Dracula." said Bella.

"NO WAY!" said Edward "I don't like having to cough up human food later, and I HATE cheesy vampire movies with the 'I vant to suck your blood' crap!"

"You picked dare," said Bella, "Now Go!"

"Fine." said Edward sulkily.

An hour later, after Edward was done coughing up the popcorn he walked slowly into the living room.

"Never again." said a traumatized Edward.

"Poor Edward." said Alice, "I think it is only fair that he goes next."

"Alright," said Edward, "Bella, truth or dare?"

"D-dare" said Bella shakily.

"I dare you to give blood at the Red Cross blood drive today." said Edward.

"No, please! No more needles!" cried Bella as she cowered in the corner of the living room.

"You picked dare, Now Go!" said Edward quoting Bella.

"Fine." cried Bella

After the blood drive Bella walked through the door covered in sweat and was as pale as well, a vampire.

"So many needles," sobbed Bella, "so much blood ugh!"

"Alice, I do believe it's your turn." said Edward.

"Alrighty then, Jasper?"

"Dare." said Jasper.

" I dare you to volunteer at a guidance counselor's office." said Alice

"You mean a shrink?" asked Jasper.

"Exactly" said Alice.

"Oh, no way am I doing that!" yelled Jasper.

"Yes, you are." said Alice.

"All the negative emotions, I won't be able to handle it!" whined Jasper

"GO NOW!" said Alice threateningly

"Okay." said Jasper.

He came back later dressed in all black.

"Are you happy now? Look what you've done to me!" cried Jasper.

"I have to admit, it's a nice look for you, though the eyeliner, black lipstick, and black nail polish is a little extreme." commented Alice.

"Why! cruel world?" said Jasper.

"Well," said Carlisle, "I guess it's Jasper's turn."

"Fine." said Jasper, "Alice?"

"Dare." Alice Answered.

"I dare you to give away all the new and expensive designer clothes you just bought to the werewolves." said Jasper.

"NO! Anything but that!" begged Alice.

"After what you put me through, you deserve it. You picked dare, no exceptions." said Jasper.

Alice came back and sat on the floor after donating her clothes. Her face was expressionless, and she looked like she was about to cry (if she could).

"I might as well go provoke the Voulturi right now," said Alice, "At least I'll have nice clothes in Heaven."

Alice continued to sit there and sulk.

"Okay… Emmett it's your turn." said Edward.

"Rosalie, truth or dare?" asked Emmett

"Whatever… dare." said Rosalie.

"I dare you to enter your BMW in a demolition derby, and then watch it be destroyed." said Emmett.

"You did NOT just tell me to do that!" exclaimed Rosalie.

"I just did." said Emmett.

"Oh, you are going to pay for this big time!" screeched Rosalie.

After watching her "baby" be demolished Rosalie stormed into the mansion and slammed the door so hard that all of the windows in the entire house shattered.

"EMMETT! TIME FOR REVENGE!" yelled Rosalie

"Truth or dare?" she asked

"Dare." said Emmett unsure of what she had in mind.

"I dare you to go upstairs and destroy ALL of your electronics." said Rosalie evilly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Emmett, "I have Viva Piñata as a game, and my piñatas would never forgive me if I destroyed them!"

"Too bad!" said Rosalie

Emmett walked slowly to his room and took a baseball bat to all of his electronics. When he got to Viva Piñata he said "Sorry piñatas." and then smashed the game into microscopic pieces.

He slowly walked down the stairs and sat down.

"My piñatas will be avenged some day." said Emmett.

"I guess I'm up," said Carlisle.

"Esme?"

"Dare." she said.

" I dare you to set your flower garden on fire."

"No, please don't make me do that!" cried Esme.

"Be strong Carlisle!" shouted Edward.

"Sorry dear, but you have to follow through with the dare." said Carlisle.

"Fine." said Esme.

Esme lit a match and tossed it into her garden.

"Goodbye pretty flowers." Esme said sadly.

"Esme, it's your turn." said Carlisle.

"Okay, Carlisle, truth or dare?"

"Dare." he said.

"Alright, I dare you to throw your medical bag and all of your books into the fire that once was my garden." said Esme.

"What! No!" cried Carlisle.

"Yes. Now you go put them in right now." said Esme.

"Yes dear." said Carlisle.

He gathered up all of his books and his medical bag and threw them into the fire.

"Well, we're all done." said Carlisle.

"Finally," said Jasper, "The emotions in this house were worse than the shrink's office."

They all headed upstairs vowing to always pick truth the next time they played.

_**How was this chapter? It took me a while, but I did it. Please Read and Review.**_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	7. The Girls Get REVENGE!

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Debussy (I can't own a dead guy anyway), Wii, or Viva Piñata.**_

_**Chapter 7**_

Alice, Rosalie, Esme, and Bella were pretty unhappy about all of the events that took place the night before. They held a meeting at Bella's house while Charlie was at work.

"We so need to get back at them after what they did to us during Truth or Dare." said Rosalie.

"Well, we all know _our_ men the best, so why don't we prank them individually." said Alice.

"So, I'll prank Edward, Esme will prank Carlisle, Alice will prank Jasper, and Rosalie will prank Emmett?" asked Bella.

"Precisely." said Rosalie smiling deviously.

"Now, lets plan what we are going to do to them." said Alice.

"I'm going to hide Carlisle's new medical bag and leather medical journal." said Esme.

"I'm going to make Edward's piano go out of tune and hide his Debussy CD's." said Bella.

"I will burn Emmett's new Wii and his new Viva Piñata game Muahahahaha!" said Rosalie evilly.

"I am going to get Jasper a job at a funeral home," said Alice, "with all of those depressing emotions Jasper will surely go mad."

"Alright, lets get to work girls!" said Esme enthusiastically.

They all finished their tasks before Emmett, Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper got home.

Emmett was the first to notice the change in the Cullen mansion.

"What smells like burning electronics?" asked Emmett.

"Oh nothing important, just your new Wii and Viva Piñata game." said Rosalie.

"WHAT!! NO! MY PINATAS! WHY?!" cried Emmett.

"Payback for last night." explained Rosalie.

"But you bought a new car." said Emmett.

"So?" asked Rosalie.

"So we were even." said Emmett.

"Oh no, _now_ we're even." said Rosalie.

Then Carlisle came out of his study.

"Where is my medical bag and journal?" he asked.

"In La Push." answered Esme.

"Wait, where?!" asked an alarmed Carlisle.

"La Push." said Esme again.

"I can't go to La Push! It's forbidden territory!" exclaimed Carlisle.

"Then you shouldn't have made me burn my garden." said Esme.

"How am I going to get my stuff back?" asked Carlisle.

"Not my problem." said Esme, and she went to finish her sketch of the backyard.

Then Edward came down from his room.

"Where are all my Debussy CD's?" asked Edward.

"In La Push with Carlisle's medical bag and journal." answered Bella.

"Why?" asked Edward.

"NO ONE MAKES BELLA SWAN GIVE BLOOD EVER!!" said Bella menacingly.

"What will I do without my CD's?" asked Edward.

"You could play piano." replied Bella

"Okay." said Edward.

He went and began to play his piano.

"What the hell!" he exclaimed, "What happened to my piano?"

"Oops, did I do that?" asked Bella smiling wickedly.

"You little sneak, I'm going to kick your …"

"Edward!" yelled Esme.

"Sorry mom." said Edward

"As for you, Miss Swan, sleep with your eyes open!" Edward threatened.

Then he marched up to his room and slammed the door.

Jasper came inside after getting the mail.

"What is this letter, I never signed up to work at a funeral home!" exclaimed Jasper.

"I signed you up," said Alice, "you start tomorrow 10am sharp."

"Why you little …" started Jasper

"Jasper! Watch your language." scolded Esme.

"Okay mom." called Jasper.

"I WILL get my revenge!" hissed Jasper as he headed to his room.

Alice, Esme, Rosalie, and Bella all high-fived and headed off to their rooms.

Meanwhile…

Jasper, Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett were all gathered in Carlisle's study.

"We must get revenge!" exclaimed Jasper.

"We will in time my brother, we will get them when they least expect it, they will never see it coming, not even Alice." said Edward evilly.

_**How did you like that? Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been super busy. Please Read & Review.**_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	8. The Boys Get REVENGE!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or BMW.**

**Chapter 9**

Edward, Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle were plotting their revenge.

"We will prank the girls individually like they pranked us." said Jasper.

He was used to making battle plans since he was part of the Confederacy during the Civil War.

"Is that such a good idea?" asked Emmett

"Of course, they'll never expect it; I went to war, trust me on this one." said Jasper.

"But didn't you stupid Confederates lose the Civil War?" asked Emmett.

"Shut up Emmett, or I will personally destroy Mr. Teddy!" threatened Jasper.

"Mr. Teddy's with the Union!" cried Emmett, "and the Union whooped your sorry Confederate butts!"

He then pulled out a brown teddy bear wearing a navy blue Union uniform.

"Mr. Teddy will beat your bear named Robert and Mr. Teddy shall take over the world!!" exclaimed Emmett.

"The world?" asked Edward skeptically.

"Well, maybe just the house." said Emmett.

"NEVER insult Robert!" hissed Jasper.

"Why did you give your bear a stupid name like Robert?" asked Emmett

"He is named after Robert E. Lee, the greatest general the world has ever known!" exclaimed Jasper.

"Wasn't it because of him getting sick, and making such stupid decisions that you guys lost the battle of Gettysburg?" asked Emmett.

"He got wounded in battle, he is a hero!" cried Jasper, "and I am proud to have a bear named after him."

Jasper pulled out Robert, a tan bear wearing a grey Confederacy uniform.

"Um, not to interrupt your teddy bear Civil War, but shouldn't we be plotting the girls' downfall?" asked Edward.

"Oh, right." said Jasper and Emmett.

"While you two were fighting Carlisle and I came up with our ways to get back at Bella and Esme.

"I am going to trash the entire house, with the help of you guys." stated Carlisle.

"Okay." said Jasper and Emmett.

"I will sneak into Bella's room and slide a six pack of beer under her bed," said Edward, "Then I will hide in her closet and roll a marble under her bed when Charlie is in there."

"What's the point?" asked Emmett.

"Charlie will go retrieve the marble from under her bed and find the beer." explained Edward.

"Good idea." said Jasper.

"Can I go next?" asked Emmett eagerly.

"Fine." said Edward.

"I'm gonna leave the top down on Rosalie's new BMW convertible while it's raining out." said Emmett.

"That isn't half bad." commented Edward.

"We will all figure into our schedules going down to La Push to see the pack so that Alice can't see the future." said Jasper.

"Okay!" Carlisle, Edward, and Emmett said.

They all went to do their tasks while planning to go see the pack at the same time, luckily for Emmett it was beginning to rain.

When they were finished they all sat down to watch TV.

Just then Bella stormed in.

"WHO PUT BEER UNDER MY BED?!" asked Bella.

"Revenge _is _sweet." said Edward.

"YOU!" Bella cried running at Edward. But, as she ran she tripped and fell.

"It took me hours to retune my piano, you deserved this." said Edward.

"I am is SO much trouble with Charlie right now, he might send me away to private school!" cried Bella.

"If you go to La Push and get my CD's, I will tell Charlie that I got the beer for Carlisle and that I left it at your house while dropping of your homework." said Edward.

"Fine." said Bella and she headed off to La Push to get Edward's CD's.

Then it began to pour.

"YES!" cried Emmett.

Rosalie stomped inside with a murderous glare on her face.

"WHO PUT THE TOP DOWN ON MY CAR!!" she screeched.

Emmett walked toward her whistling and spinning her car keys around his finger.

"YOU SHALL DIE!!" cried Rosalie

Emmett held Rosalie's keys over the sink.

"You kill me, I drop these, and when you dry out your car, you won't be able to drive it." said Emmett.

"Fine." said Rosalie.

Emmett handed her the keys and she went up to her room to pout.

Esme walked through the door and then stopped when she saw the inside of the house.

"MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" cried Esme.

"You have all four of us to thank for this." said Carlisle.

"It will take days to clean this whole house." said Esme.

"If you go with Bella to La Push and have her go and get my Medical bag and Journal, all four of us will clean up this mess." said Carlisle.

"Alright." said Esme and she and Bella went to La Push.

Alice was the last one to come in.

"I can't see anything!" cried Alice.

"Oh, we forgot to tell you, we were planning a trip to La Push to see the pack." said Jasper.

"Not cool!" pouted Alice.

"They expect you to come too Alice, they want you to tell them their futures." said Jasper.

"But I can't!" whined Alice.

"Precisely." said Jasper.

"You did this on purpose!" exclaimed Alice.

"Yes, now come on you have a future telling party to go to." said Jasper.

After the party everyone came home.

"If you ever do that again I WILL kill you!" threatened Alice.

"Why don't we just call it a truce for now." said an exhausted Bella.

"Fine with us." Everyone said.

"This battle has ended, but the battle between the Union bears and the Confederate bears rages on!" cried Emmett.

Then Jasper and Emmett ran upstairs to continue their teddy bear Civil War with Robert and Mr. Teddy.

_**How did you like that? I NEED ideas PLEASE!! Please also read and review this chapter.**_

_**Love, **_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	9. The Teddy Bear Civil War

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, I do however own Mr. Teddy and Robert. **

**Chapter 10.**

"So, Jasper, are you ready to be defeated once more?" asked Emmett.

"I am ready… to kick your and Mr. Teddy's butts!" exclaimed Jasper.

He and Robert were dressed in their Confederacy uniforms while Emmett and Mr. Teddy were dressed in their Union uniforms.

They all pulled out steak knives, miniature hand grenades, and small dry ice bombs.

"Okay gentlemen and/or bears, I await your fire!" cried Emmett.

Emmett had built a "bomb shelter" out of cinder blocks, while Jasper spent so much time plotting that he only had time to make one out of a cardboard box.

Jasper and Robert threw a mini hand grenade that took down a part of Emmett and Mr. Teddy's shelter, but both were untouched by the grenade.

"Hah! Stupid Confederates!" yelled Emmett triumphantly.

Then Emmett and Mr. Teddy threw a dry ice bomb that demolished the cardboard box and sent one of Robert's arms flying across the room.

"Damn Yankees!" cursed Jasper, "You win this battle, but the war continues!"

They decided to call this first battle: "The Battle of Emmett's Room".

The next day they battled in Jasper's room.

This time Emmett built a shelter out of sheets of heavy duty metal that he welded together the night before. The finished product took the form of a metal house.

Jasper made his shelter out of their refrigerator with all of the shelves and the food for Bella taken out.

Just then Bella said: "Esme, where is the fridge?"

Esme walked over to where the fridge was supposed to be.

"Jasper! Emmett!" called Esme "Where's the fridge?"

"I'm using it as my bomb shelter." said Jasper.

"Why do you need a bomb shelter?" asked Esme.

"We are in the middle of a teddy bar Civil war!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Okay… mental note to self: get Jasper and Emmett a therapist." said Esme.

Back upstairs…

"Jasper and Robert, you both shall be defeated once more!" declared Emmett.

"Nay I say, it is you who shall be defeated." cried Jasper.

"NEVER!" Emmett cried.

Emmett threw a grenade at the fridge, and almost tipped it over.

"Hahahaha! My shelter is indestructible!" cried Jasper.

"Hit me with your best shot, why don't ya hit me with your best shot! Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!" sang Emmett.

When Jasper didn't attack Emmett said: "Seriously, are you going to shoot at the my awesome fort or what?"

"Um… I think I left my ammunition downstairs." said Jasper.

Downstairs…

"Hum, I wonder what this does." said Bella as she pulled the string of one of Jasper's hand grenades.

"NO BELLA! DON"T!" cried Edward pulling her to safety.

**BOOM!** _CRASH! _BANG!

"JASPER! EMMETT! WHICH ONE OF YOU LEFT EXPLOSIVES IN MY KITCHEN!!" yelled Esme.

"Sorry mom!" called Jasper.

"That's it! You two are so going to therapy!" exclaimed Esme.

"NO NOT AGAIN!" cried Jasper.

"So, now what?" asked Emmett.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but, I Jasper Hale surrender." said Jasper sadly.

"YES! UNION WINS YEE HAW!!" cried Emmett.

"Whoopee…" said Jasper sulkily.

"Wait, if the war is over, I built this shelter for nothing!" said Emmett looking at his metal house.

"Boo-hoo for you." said Jasper who was still very upset.

"I have an idea," exclaimed Emmett, "Jasper, we can play house!"

Just then the door behind Emmett slammed shut.

"Hello, Jasper anybody?" called Emmett.

"Well I guess it's just you and me Mr. Teddy." sighed Emmett.

Then the two of them went into the metal house to play.

_**How did you like that? Big thanks to MCFoofoo for helping me with this story. Please Read and Review.**_

_**Love,**_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	10. Therapy

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Glad saying: "Don't get mad, get glad!" **_

"Jasper, Emmett!" called Esme.

"What mom?" they asked.

Emmett had turned his bomb shelter into an awesome clubhouse with a hot tub, a widescreen HD TV, a Wii, and a leather sofa. They both were relaxing and loving life.

"Time for therapy." said Esme.

"PLEASE NO!! I'M A GOOD CONFEDERATE DON'T MAKE ME GO!" cried Jasper.

"Who's the therapist?" asked Emmett.

"Aro, you know, from the Voulturi." replied Esme.

"NOOOOOOO! HE WILL KILL US!" cried Emmett.

"Nonsense, he is there to be a listener in a non-judgmental, yet threatening way." said Esme as she handed them plane tickets to Italy.

Jasper and Emmett walked unhappily to Emmett's Jeep. They then drove to the airport.

When they got there, they boarded the plane and set of to Volterra.

"Jasper, I don't want to die!" sobbed Emmett.

"Pansy." muttered Jasper.

When they arrived in Volterra, Aro was there to greet them.

"Hello, my dear friends!" said Aro warmly.

"Hello Aro." said Jasper.

"DON'T KILL ME!" cried Emmett.

"Don't worry, I am here to help people, not hurt them." said Aro.

Aro brought Jasper and Emmett to a room with leather sofas and inspirational posters with sayings like : "Be true to your self' or "There is no _**I **_in _**TEAM**_".

"Creepy." said Jasper.

"I LOVE what you've done with this room! Just a splash of periwinkle over here ,some baby blue there, some frilly white curtains, and a pyramid of soft, cute teddy bears, and it will be perfect!" exclaimed Emmett.

"I know, huh!" exclaimed Aro.

"Totally, like yeah." said Emmett.

"Somebody kill me please!" begged Jasper.

"Aw Jazzy, don't get mad, get glad!" said Emmett.

"Alright, why don't you two take a seat right over there, and tell me what's been going on." said Aro.

He then took out a pen and a clipboard.

"Well, we have these two teddy bears. Mine is a Confederate bear named Robert, and Emmett's is a Union bear named Mr. Teddy." said Jasper.

"I was making fun of Jasper because he lost the Civil war, and then we decided to see which side would win in a Teddy bear Civil war." said Emmett.

"Who won?" asked Aro.

"Mr. Teddy and I did!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Anyway… now Esme thinks we need therapy because we are hundred year old men playing with Teddy bears." said Jasper.

"I see, was there a bet involved with this whole Civil war?" asked Aro.

"Yes, loser has to eat a three course meal of human food." said Emmett.

"Have fun with that Jasper." said Aro.

"Thanks." said Jasper unhappily.

"Well, I see nothing wrong with two grown men playing with teddy bears, I mean I still play with Mr. Fuzzykinz." said Aro.

"Mr. Who?" asked Emmett.

"Mr. Fuzzykinz is _my_ teddy bear." explained Aro.

"I see… Can we go now?" asked Jasper.

"Sure, let me just write this note to Esme telling her that you both are not crazy." said Aro.

When Aro was done writing, Emmett and Jasper left Volterra and hopped on the next flight to Forks, Washington.

When they got home they handed the note to Esme.

_Dear Mrs. Cullen, _

_I am pleased to tell you that Emmett and Jasper are not crazy. Playing with teddy bears is completely natural. I still play with my teddy bear Mr. Fuzzykinz. I had a delightful time with your boys. Feel free to send them back any time. Emmett gave me some wonderful advice on how to redecorate my room. Tell him thank you for me._

_Sincerely,_

_Aro._

"Well, I guess you're not crazy, you can both go back to whatever you were doing before." said Esme.

"To the bomb shelter!" exclaimed Emmett and Jasper.

_**How was this one? I just had to include Aro in this. Please read and review.**_

_**Love, **_

_**CrankyFrenchLady88**_


	11. Voulturi World

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, that ride that flips you upside down at amusement parks called the Zipper, or BMW.**

Bella walked inside the Cullen mansion with their mail.

"Hey everyone! We got a letter from the Voulturi!" she yelled.

They all came into the living room .

"Bella, you know you don't need to yell. We can hear you perfectly fine even when you whisper. Remember?" said Jasper.

" Oh, sorry." said Bella.

"So what's this about a letter from the Voulturi?" Edward asked her.

"Well it appears that Aro wants us to come to Volterra next week." said Bella.

"Read it aloud!" ordered Alice.

"_Dear Cullens,_

_I am pleased to inform you that I have created a theme park called Voulturi World! I would like you to be the first to test it out. All of the rides are sturdy enough to accommodate even the strongest vampires. Also all rides have seatbelts, safety bars, cushioned seats, and have been thoroughly inspected so that even Bella can ride. There is also a Zoo/concession stand for you vegetarian vampires, a place to store people for those who aren't, and a snack and drink stand for any human visitors. I would also like to show Emmett the changes to my office that he recommended. Enclosed are eight plane tickets to Italy and eight tickets to Voulturi World. Enjoy!_

_From,_

_Aro, Caius, Marcus and the rest of the Voulturi," _Bella read.

"Sounds like fun." said Emmett.

"Can we go? PLEASE!" Alice begged.

"Well, I think it's up to Carlisle." said Edward.

"And I think it's up to CrankyFrenchLady88." said Carlisle.

"And I think I just found another patient for Aro." said Esme to herself.

"Uh huh… I see… CrankyFrenchLady88 thinks it's a great idea!" exclaimed Carlisle.

"So it's settled then," said Edward, "we will leave for Italy next Tuesday."

Then they all went to pack for the trip.

Which for Alice, meant taking everybody shopping, much to Bella's delight.

**One week and eight new wardrobes later…**

"Come on everybody! We need to get to the airport by 5am!" whined Alice.

"Just five more minutes mom." muttered Bella groggily as Edward attempted to wake her up.

"Come on love, we need to go to the airport." He said.

Finally, after everyone was dressed and ready, went to the airport,

And hopped on the plane and headed to Volterra.

The entire plane ride Alice was singing:

"Italy, the place with leather purses

and designer clothes galore!

All of that is what

Carlisle's credit card is for!"

"Alice, will you please SHUT UP!" exclaimed Rosalie.

"No can do sis." Alice replied smugly.

"Alice can you stop being so happy? You're TOURTURING me!" cried Jasper.

"Sorry Jazz, I'm just so exited about shopping!" exclaimed Alice.

"Well go be exited some place else!" said Jasper.

"Well fine! Be that way!" Alice said moodily , as she rose to get Bella some food.

"Thank you, Jasper." said Rosalie.

"Any time."

When they got to Volterra, Felix was waiting for them with a limo.

"Hello again Felix." said Edward.

"Hello everyone." said Felix. His eyes resting hungrily on Bella, causing Edward to tense and resume his protective stance in front of her for the rest of the car ride.

When they finally got there, they stared in awe at a giant roller coaster, and about a thousand other rides towering over them. There was also a giant flashing sign that said: "Welcome to Voulturi World!"

They handed Felix their tickets, and went inside the park.

"Wow! This is so cool!" exclaimed Alice.

"Edward, can we go on the roller coaster?" asked Bella.

"Sure love, we can go on any rides you want." he replied.

But they all went and got something to eat first.

After they rode the roller coaster, Bella ran quickly to the nearest trash can.

"Well, there goes my lunch," she sighed, "I probably shouldn't have eaten a chili dog before I went on that roller coaster."

"How about we ride something a little slower." recommended Edward.

"Alright." said Bella.

They both headed over to the merry-go-round.

"Hey Jazz, I'll race ya to the Zipper!" called Emmett.

"Oh, you're on!" exclaimed Jasper.

Then the two set off.

"Well, that leaves us four." Carlisle

"Hey Rose, lets ditch this place and go shopping." said Alice.

"Did you get Carlisle's credit card?" whispered Rosalie.

"What?" asked Carlisle.

"Nothing." said Alice innocently.

She ran over to giver him a hug and as she did so, she snatched Carlisle's wallet from his back pocket.

She then quickly removed all of his credit and debit cards, gave him one more hug so that she could put his wallet back, and headed off with Rosalie.

"He is so gullible!" laughed Rosalie, "I can't believe he fell for the whole 'hug and steal your wallet' thing."

"I know right!" exclaimed Alice, "so who's driving?"

"I am." said Rosalie.

"You just want to show off your car." said Alice.

"So?"

"So, lets go shopping girl!" exclaimed Alice as they hopped in Rosalie's BMW and headed for the nearest designer clothes store.

Back at Voulturi World, Carlisle and Esme were deciding what to do.

"What should we do next?" asked Esme.

"Well, the kids have already eaten, so why don't we go get something to eat as well. Too the zoo!" exclaimed Carlisle

When they got to the zoo Marcus was the "zoo keeper".

"Hello Marcus." said Carlisle.

"sigh Welcome to the zoo. May I take your order?" Marcus asked, clearly unhappy about the job he was given.

"What animals do you have." asked Esme.

"All kinds." answered Marcus.

"Well, I'm in the mood for a little Australian." said Carlisle.

"Daring aren't we today Mr. Cullen." said Marcus sarcastically, "We have a special on Kangaroos: five for five dollars."

"That sounds lovely, we'll take an order of the Kangaroos." said Esme.

"Do you want them pre-killed or do you want to hunt?" asked Marcus.

"We don't have anything to do, so we'll hunt." said Carlisle.

"Alright, five Kangaroos coming up." said Marcus.

Carlisle took out his wallet to pay.

"Hey, where are my debit and credit cards? Wait… ALICE!!" yelled Carlisle.

"Alice and Rosalie went shopping remember?" said Esme.

"Oh, right." said Carlisle.

After they ate, everyone else was done with their rides and shopping.

Then Alice an over to Carlisle and gave him a big hug.

"I missed you!" she cried while putting the cards back.

"I know you took my credit and debit cards." said Carlisle.

"What in the world are you talking about?" asked Alice.

"I'm talking about this!" exclaimed Carlisle holding up his open wallet with all of the cards inside.

"But your cards are right there." said Rosalie.

"W-what? No way! I swear those weren't there a second ago." exclaimed a dumbstruck Carlisle.

"Right…" said Alice.

Just then Aro came up to Emmett.

"You have to see my office!" he cried.

"Did you use the stuff I sent to decorate it?" asked Emmett.

"Yes, I did." replied Aro.

"OMG! I bet it looks fabulous!" exclaimed Emmett.

Then the two headed off to see his office.

**Thanks so much to Mc FooFoo who helped me a lot with this chapter.**

**Please R&R. **

**Love,**

**CrankyFrenchLady88**


	12. Aro's office

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Banana song from Charlie the unicorn.**

Aro took Emmett and Jasper into his newly redecorated office.

"So, what do you think?" he asked.

"OMG! It is _GEORGEOUS_!" squealed Emmett.

"I _KNOW_, right!" gushed Aro.

"I'm leaving." said Jasper; he was really beginning to question Emmett's masculinity.

"Yeah, go ahead and leave. This room is too awesome to have stupid, emo Confederates in it!" Emmett sniffed.

"Emmett, wait. WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!" cried Jasper

"A stupid, emo confederate." answered Aro.

"Oh HELL no!" Jasper bellowed lunging at Emmett.

"NO FIGHTING!" yelled Aro.

"_Jasper, you look quite down _

_with your big sad eyes _

_and your big fat frown. _

_The world doesn't have to be so gray! _

_Jasper when your life's a mess, _

_when you're feeling blue, _

_always in distress. _

_I know what can wash that sad away:_

_All you have to do is put a banana in your ear_." sang Emmett

"A banana in my ear?" asked Jasper

"_Put a ripe banana right into your favorite ear. It's true."_ sang Emmett

"Says who?" asked Jasper

"_So true. _

_Once it's in your gloom will disappear. _

_The bad in the world is hard to hear_

_when in your ear a banana cheers. _

_So go and put a banana in your ear!" sang Emmett._

_"Put a banana in your ear_!" sang Emmett and Aro.

"I'd rather keep my ear clear!" said Jasper moodily.

"_You will never be happy if you live your life in fear_! _It's true_!"

"Says you!" said Jasper.

"_So true! When it's in the skies are bright and clear, _

_oh every day of every year, _

_the sun shines bright on this big blue sphere! _

_So go and put a banana in your ear!" _

" Okay. Now that this whole banana king crap is done, I'm leaving." Jasper announced as he marched out the door.

"YES! IT WORKED! NOW THAT HE'S GONE WE CAN STARE AT THE ROOM IN PEACE!" Emmett bellowed, clearly forgetting that , he and Aro were both vampires, thus having superhuman hearing, so there was no point whatsoever in screaming.

"Hey! I just painted a wall and it's still wet. Do you want to watch it dry?" asked Aro.

"Aww, you know me so well." said Emmett, and they went to watch the paint.

**5 Hours Later**

The rest of the Cullens came into Aro's office to find Aro and Emmett staring intently at a wall.

"Um... Emmett. What are you doing?" asked Edward.

"Shh! Be quiet! We're watching the paint dry and your bothering it. If you bother it then the paint won't dry as fast." whispered Emmett, clearly aggravated.

Then Esme came up to Aro and whispered something in his ear.

"Ah. Carlisle, Esme tells me you have been acting strangely. Is something troubling you?" asked Aro.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. I was hunting and saw a nice mountain lion. And just as I was about to get it, Edward took it!" said Carlisle, pouting like a small child.

"I see," commented Aro.

"And then when I was five, I had a pet turtle named Bob. We didn't have any food left. So we had to eat him!" sobbed Carlisle.

"There, there. Come sit down and talk." said Aro pointing to the leather sofa.

"Oh brother. We'd better leave, this could take a while." groaned Rosalie.

"Aro, you'd better have a_ LOT_ of space on that clip board, you'll need all of it." said Edward.

Then the rest of the Cullens left and Carlisle started again.

"And one time when I was ten…"

**How did you like that? I'm sorry that I haven't updated for a while. I've been very busy. Also big thanks to MC Foo foo my faithful beta reader. Her **

**pointers are the differene between my story being good, and it being GREAT. Please Read & Review.**

**Love,**

**CrankyFrenchLady88**


	13. Carlise Goes to Therapy

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**_

"And this one time when I was ten, I had a hole in my sock!" exclaimed Carlisle.

"Um… why does that bother you?" asked Aro.

"_IT WAS A HOLE IN MY SOCK! A HOLE, I SAY!" _Carlisle cried.

"Um, okay… anything else?" asked Aro

"When I was seven, I had a pet bird named Sir. Tweetsalot. And I let him out of his cage for a little while. Then when I sat down I heard a crunch and then a bunch of muffled tweets coming from underneath me. I-I sat on Sir. Tweetsalot!" Sobbed Carlisle.

"Hahahaha! I mean, I'm so sorry. Hahahaha!" Laughed Aro trying to be sympathetic but failing miserably.

"And because he was injured beyond repair… we had to eat him too!" Carlisle wailed.

"Wow. You had a really messed up human life… I mean… um… and how do you feel about that?" asked Aro attempting to be proffessional.

"I killed a furry creature!"

"But, don't you do that every day?"

"Don't try to make me feel better," Carlisle sniffed, "And guess what else?"

"What, you had _another_ pet that you accidentally killed?"

"Actually… I, umm… had five." Carlisle confessed.

"What happened?"  Aro questioned.

"Well, I had a pet mouse named Cheesy, which my mom thought was wild and killed." sobbed Carlisle.

"I see."

"Then I had a worm named Slimy, which I kind of stepped on..."

"Ooh... ouch!" commented Aro.

"I also had a chicken named Mr. Chicken and we ate him too!" Carlisle sobbed.

"uh huh."

"I had a cat named Bill and he got trampled by a stampede of horses."

"yikes!" exclaimed Aro.

"And in that stampede I had a horse named Harry and he tripped over Bill and broke his leg! My dad had to shoot him and…"

"let me guess, you ate Harry too?" asked Aro.

"We ate Harry _**and **_Bill!" wailed Carlisle.

"Um… oh look. We're out of time!" said Aro.

"That's okay. I feel a lot better." said Carlisle.

"That's good. Bye now!" called Aro as Carlisle left., "Phew, I'm glad that's over!"

Carlisle rejoined his family.

"Dude, what were you talking about in there. You've been in there for _three days!_" exclaimed Emmett.

"Well, at least he'll be back to normal. Come on guys, lets go home." said Esme.

And they hopped on their plane and headed back to Forks, Washington.

**How was that? I had a good time writing this. Please R&R. Thanks again to MC Foo foo she was a great help!**

**Love,**

**CrankyFrenchLady88**


	14. VAMPIRE KITTY!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

A week after the visit to Voulturi World, and for Carlisle, therapy things were different…

"WHEEE!" cried Carlisle skipping around in circles.

"Um, Carlisle.. What are you doing?" asked Edward.

"I have an idea!"

"What is it?"

"Well, I found a way to never kill any of my pets again!" Carlisle exclaimed.

"What is it?" Edward asked.

"Well, I can't tell you, I have to show you. Go get me a kitty." said Carlisle.

After a few minutes, Edward came back holding a little black kitten.

"Yay! I'll name you fluffy!" Carlisle exclaimed holding his new kitty.

"So, how will you not kill it?"

"Simple." Carlisle replied.

Then he went and bit Fluffy.

"YOU'RE TURNING IT INTO A VAMPIRE CAT!!!!" Edward exclaimed.

"Yep! Now he'll never die!"

Two days later Carlisle stepped outside. He stepped on something squishy. He looked down and saw that it was the mailman, drained of blood.

"OH NO!!! FLUFFY, WHERE ARE YOU?" called a frantic Carlisle.

As he walked about the yard, he found numerous carcasses all over it. He went around to the back yard and found Fluffy, finishing off the UPS guy.

"Bad Fluffy! Humans are Friends, NOT food! Let me show you what you can eat."

He brought fluffy to the woods, where he quickly devoured twenty different animals. He brought fluffy home to Jasper, he knew how to deal with newborns.

"Jasper, I need some help." said Carlisle.

"What is it?"

"Um, I kind of made a vampire cat, and I need you to train it." answered Carlisle.

"(sigh) fine."

"YAY!!!"

**One Week later….**

"CARLISLE!!" yelled Jasper.

"What?"

"This cat is incapable of being trained!" exclaimed Jasper, "He must be destroyed at once!"

"No! Not Fluffy!"

"I'm sorry, there's no other way." sighed Jasper.

"Wait! We could send him to Aro as a present! Fluffy will love Voulturi World!" exclaimed Carlisle.

"Good idea."

**At Voulturi World Aro POV (point of view)**

"Hey Marcus, Caius, I got a package from Carlisle!" Aro exclaimed.

"Do we look like we care?" asked Caius

"No."

"Good."

Aro opened up the package and took out Fluffy.

"Aw, a kitty."

Then Fluffy attacked and all hell broke loose.

"AHHH! HELP VAMPIRE KITTY ON THE LOOSE! ALERT THE VOULTURI!!!" Aro cried.

"You idiot, we ARE the Voulturi." Caius reminded him.

"Right… Um I'm gonna take a vacation. You guys clean up this mess. Bye!" said Aro.

"ARO! COME BACK!" yelled Caius.

Fluffy inched closer.

"N-nice kitty. Um HELP!!!"

**Sorry I haven't updated for a LONG time. I have had writer's block. Well I hope you enjoyed this! PLEASE REVIEW OR ELSE!**

**Love,**

**CrankyFrenchLady88**


	15. Teddy Bear Civil war 2 part 1

_**Disclaimer: I don not own Twilight or any of the characters. **_

"Hey, guys!" Carlisle exclaimed bursting into the metal "bomb shelter" where Jasper and Emmett were hanging out.

"What?" Jasper asked.

Then Carlisle held up a black teddy bear.

"I got a teddy bear too! His name is Sir. Growlsalot!"

"Cool!" said Emmett

"I was wondering if I could join in your Teddy Bear Civil War. I want to try out new things."

Then Carlisle pulled out a dictionary of "cool" words and phrases.

"I want to be um… 'hip' and 'far out'. A game of Teddy Bear Civil War would be 'totally radical dudes!'"

"Um… we don't talk like that…" said Jasper.

"How old is that dictionary?" asked Emmett.

"Um… about fifty years old."

"Well, that explains it."

"Explains what?" asked Carlisle.

"How ridiculous you sound!" laughed Emmett.

"Yeah, times have changed old man!" said Jasper laughing along with Emmett.

"Oh… well I guess you don't want and old guy like me ruining all your fun… sniff… I better go and not bother you again."

Jasper and Emmett felt bad for Carlisle and decided to invite him to play.

"Aw, I was really looking forward to a game of Teddy Bear Civil War." said Emmett.

"I really need an extra player on my side to help me avenge the Confederacy, but oh well…" sighed Jasper.

"Really, you want me to play?" asked Carlisle.

"Sure!" said Jasper.

"Yeah I…wait, who said he was on YOUR team, Jasper?"

"I did."

"I need him on the Union side!" exclaimed Emmett.

"No way!" yelled Jasper.

"Yes way!"

"He's mine!"

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Not!"

"To!"

"Um, boys? Boys! BOYS!!!!"

"Sorry." said Emmett.

"Which side do YOU want?" asked Jasper.

"Um… I don't know."

"You HAVE to pick!!!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Aha! I know a perfect way to solve this problem. EDWARD!!"

**5 minutes later…**

"NO! There is no way I am playing a Teddy Bear game with you!"

"Aw Eddie!"

"Don't. Call. Me. Eddie." Edward hissed.

"But we NEED you!" whined Carlisle.

"Ugh, not you too! I don't want to play, and besides I don't have a bear."

"We can take care of that." suggested Jasper.

Then they (literally) dragged Edward to the toy store where he was forced to pick out a bear.

"If I must pick a bear, I pick that one." said Edward pointing to a white teddy bear.

Then they bought it and headed back to the house.

**Back at the house…**

"Now, Edward. What side do you want?" asked Emmett.

"Well, I think that I'll go with the side that won last time. I pick the Union." said Edward.

"So, welcome to the Confederacy, soldier!" said Jasper turning to face Carlisle.

"The fist battle of the Teddy Bear Civil war will be tomorrow in Carlisle's study at 12:00pm sharp." said Emmett.

"BACK TO THE BOMB SHELTER!!!" cried Emmett."

"BACK TO THE STUDY!" exclaimed Carlisle.

"Back to… um.. The place I was before this whole mess." sighed Edward.

**I hope you liked this chapter! Thanks so much to **_VanessaGirl123 _**for her idea! Please Read and Review.**

**Love,**

**CrankyFrenchLady88**


	16. WAIT!

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Holy Hand Grenade from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.**_

**In Carlisle's Study…**

"Alright, does everyone here have a bomb shelter and ammunition?" asked Emmett.

"Yep."

The Confederacy's shelter was an igloo make out of cinderblocks and plated with steel, whilst the Union's shelter was the metal house.

"Alright" said Jasper, "the battle of Carlisle's Study shall begin in 5, 4, 3, 2.…"

"WAIT!!" cried Emmett.

"What now?"

"We CANNOT start fighting until Edward's bear is given a name." said Emmett.

"Fine. Edward, what do you wish to name your bear?" asked Jasper.

"Hmmm… I shall name him Ulysses S. Grant." Edward declared.

"Alright, Ulysses it is. The battle shall begin in 5, 4, 3, 2.…"

"WAIT!!" cried Emmett.

"ugh. What now, Emmett?"

"I just wanted to say that what ever happens here today, that…."

"Yeah, blah, blah, blah. All that mushy crap. Lets get on with the battle!" exclaimed Jasper.

"…we are still a family and that will never change. And further more…" continued Emmett, completely ignoring Jasper.

"Oh, will you just SHUT UP!!!" yelled Jasper.

"Fine."

"The battle will continue in 5, 4, 3, 2..."

"WAIT!!!" cried Emmett.

"WHAT?!"

"I just wanted to apologize for interrupting you earlier." said Emmett.

"Thank you. Now the battle will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2..."

"WAIT!!" cried Emmett.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!!!"

"Well, I was just wondering if you were mad at me."

"(sigh) No, Emmett. I am not mad at you." answered Jasper.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay." said Emmett.

"Alright. The battle will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, NOW!"

There were bombs, bullets, and bayonets everywhere. Stuffing was flying through the air. The Union was running out of supplies, and men. Both of the bears had been injured, and Emmett and Edward were left to fend for themselves. The Confederacy wasn't doing too well either. They too had lost their bears, and Carlisle was too busy doctoring up the injured bears to fight. So Jasper was all alone.

"I have one last thing up my sleeve. My secret weapon. The Holy Hand Grenade." said Jasper to himself and began the sacred ritual, "Bless this oh hand grenade so that it may blow thine enemies to tiny bits at thy mercy."

Then he got out grenade and lit it. He sent it flying over to the other side.

"Holy Hand Grenade at ten o'clock!" exclaimed Edward.

"Holy crap!" cried Emmett.

The grenade crashed into the shelter. It exploded into tiny bits. Emmett raised the white flag up to signal the Union's surrender.

"We have won the battle!" cried Jasper.

Both Carlisle and Jasper did a victory dance. The bears however, could not dance, for their legs had been chopped off. The next battle was to be in Edward's room.

**How was that for a SUPER AMAZING FANTASTIC chapter? Sorry I haven't updated in like three months, but I was struggling with a severe case of writer's block. Please read and Review.**

**-CrankyFrenchLady88**


	17. The Ultimate Weapon

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Discovery Channel Store.**_

_**I, CrankyFrenchLady88, hereby dedicate this chapter to my good friend: **ktisuberawesome._

Emmett was sitting with Edward in his room plotting.

"We need a super weapon like Jasper had. There is no way we can get another Holy Hand Grenade. I don't even know how Jasper got one." whispered Emmett.

"Jasper fought in the real war. Are you sure we can out think him?" asked Edward.

"Yes, if we have the right weaponry."

"Where are we going to get a weapon better than a Holy Hand Grenade?" Edward questioned.

"We will create one." answered Emmett.

"Wait…what?"

"To the Discovery Channel Store!" Emmett cried.

"Oh, no…"

**At the Discovery Channel Store…**

Emmett rushed over to one of the workers and formally introduced himself.

"Hello, my name is Emmett Cullen. I am here on an important mission to stop the Confederacy. Will you help me?"

"Um… wasn't the Civil War like in the 1860's?" asked the salesperson.

"Yes, it was."

"Then why are you talking about it in 2009?" she asked.

"Because we are reenacting it with Teddy bears." explained Emmett.

"Okay?"

"I need your help to create a super weapon to defeat the Confederacy. Will you help me?"

The salesperson turned to Edward looking quite confused.

"Ugh. Can you just get us your best Chemistry set? We don't care about the price." said Edward.

"Fine." said the salesperson. Then she walked to the back of the store and grabbed _The Extreme Chemistry set 5000. _

"Here you are. They will take you at register 5." she said.

"Thank you."

They walked over to the register and handed the set to the clerk .

"Is that all?" the clerk asked.

"Yes."

"That will be one hundred and seventy five dollars."

Edward handed him his credit card.

"Alright. Have a nice day."

After the purchase they headed back to the house.

**At the house…**

Emmett was busy working on creating the ultimate weapon.

"Some of this, and this, and ooh some of this too!" Emmett said.

The concoction began to bubble and turned neon red.

"It's working! Muahaha!!!" cried Emmett.

Five seconds later it happened….

_**BOOM!**_

The house was completely destroyed.

"Crap, Esme is gonna kill me!" thought Emmett.

"EMMETT CULLEN!"

"Uh oh…."

**Esme doesn't seem to happy. But, you'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out her response. Read and Review! **

**-CrankyFrenchLady88**


	18. Remember When Emmett Did This?

**Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, I have been helping my dear friend **_ktisuberawesome _**write one of her stories. I also had a big thesis paper to write, but now I'm back. So, are you ready to see how Esme reacts to her house being blown up? Here it is:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or Extreme Makeover Home Edition**

**Chapter 18**

Esme came running over to Emmett.

"My house is in pieces! What do you have to say for yourself?" she demanded.

"Uh…um…happy Mother's Day! Your home has been chosen to be on EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION!" said Emmett.

"I heard that show was only for people with houses. Thanks to you, we no longer have a house." said Esme angrily.

"Um, the show has been changed. The house has to be blown to bits by an idiot son with a chemistry set before they can work on it." explained Emmett

"Nice try. Now you go to what once was your room and think about what you've done. Just wait till your father gets home!" said Esme, still fuming.

"Yes mom."

Esme started to walk away, and then stopped.

"Emmett, where are the rest of my children?"

"Still in the house." said Emmett nervously.

"WHAT?! YOU DID AN EXPERIMENT WITH THEM STILL IN THE HOUSE?! OH, YOU ARE SO GROUNDED!" yelled Esme.

She grabbed Emmett by the ear and dragged him over to what was left of their home.

"OW! OW! Why are you yanking my ear?" asked Emmett.

"You are going to help me dig out your siblings. Oh, I hope Bella is okay, she is so fragile." said Esme.

After fifteen minutes the rest of the Cullens/Hales were out of the house.

Bella had suffered only a broken arm and rib, thanks to Edward covering her, to the best of his ability, from the blast.

Edward came over to Emmett, with a murderous glare on his face.

"You have really done it this time! Thanks to you and your explosion, Bella has a broken arm and a broken rib!" He yelled.

"Hey, you're the one who bought me the set in the first place so we could create a weapon to beat the Confederacy." said Emmett.

"You bought him the set?" asked Esme.

"Yes, but I didn't think that this would happen." answered Edward.

"Don't EVER trust Emmett with anything potentially dangerous. Remember when he wanted to be a knife thrower in the circus?"

Edward shuddered.

"Yes."

"What happened?" asked Bella.

"He missed." answered Esme.

"Poor Old Man Rinkins." sighed Edward.

"Remember when he wanted to be a magician and sawed someone in half?"

"That was terrible." said Edward.

"What? I didn't know you weren't actually supposed to cut the person in half." Emmett said.

"Poor little Jeanie." said Alice.

"You sawed a little girl in half!" exclaimed Bella.

"I didn't realize it until the box began to leak red fluid. Then I realized that was blood, and I ran for it. Luckily I was under a false name." said Emmett.

"What was it?" asked Bella.

"David Copperfield." answered Emmett.

"What happened to the real David Copperfield?"

"Let's just say he's still trying to find out why he is being sued by Jeanie's family." answered Emmett.

"That's terrible!"

"Well, the past is the past." said Emmett.

Just then a black Mercedes pulled into the driveway.

"It looks like Carlisle is home." said Jasper.

"Crap!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Um, guys…where did our house go?" asked Carlisle.

"I guess I have a lot of explaining to do." sighed Emmett as he approached Carlisle.

To Be Continued…

**I hope you liked this chapter. I'll try to update more often since you must be dying to know Carlisle's reaction to all this is. Please Read and Review!**

**-CrankyFrenchLady88**


	19. Telling Carlisle

**Previously:**

Just then a black Mercedes pulled into the driveway.

"It looks like Carlisle is home." said Jasper.

"Crap!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Um, guys…where did our house go?" asked Carlisle.

"I guess I have a lot of explaining to do." sighed Emmett as he approached Carlisle.

**Chapter 19**

"Emmett, what happened?" asked Carlisle.

"Um…Edward did it!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Edward…" said Carlisle.

"Emmett was the one who blew up the house." replied Edward.

"Yeah, but you're the one who bought me the chemistry set!" yelled Emmett.

"Wait…Emmett…chemistry set…house blown up…?" Carlisle asked himself.

"Yeah." said Edward.

"I know what happened. Edward and Emmett were trying to create the ultimate weapon to defeat Jasper and I. They headed to the Discovery Channel Store where Edward bought Emmett a chemistry set.

Emmett began throwing random chemicals together, and put together the wrong combination. That combination reacted violently and exploded, thus blowing up the house. Am I correct?" asked Carlisle.

"Yes. How did you know?" asked Emmett.

"Esme called me and told me everything." answered Carlisle.

"Of course." muttered Edward.

Jasper snickered quietly, and Edward shot him a murderous glare.

"I see now, that it was an accident caused by tensions between the two warring sides in our Teddy Bear Civil War. That being said, you still destroyed our house. Don't you think there should be some

punishment for your wrongdoings?" asked Carlisle.

"Well, I've been watching a lot of Kung Fu movies lately, and I have learned that my shame is my greatest punishment." answered Emmett.

"Can it, Emmett!" barked Edward.

"You are both grounded. Emmett for six weeks, and Edward for two." answered Carlisle.

"Why does he get a break?" asked Emmett.

"Because he didn't blow up the house." answered Esme, walking over to them.

"But he bought the set." retorted Emmett.

"Yes, that is why he is grounded for two weeks." answered Carlisle.

"Edward, remember this lesson: Never Trust Emmett With Anything."

"Yes mom."

"Luckily for you, we planned for something like this." said Carlisle.

"We knew that Emmett would eventually do something stupid and blow up the house." said Esme.

Carlisle spoke into a walkie talkie: "Bring R in boys!"

A giant crane set down an exact replica of their home.

"Woah!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Good idea!" commented Jasper.

"It was my idea. I saw this happening, and alerted Carlisle and Esme immediately." said Alice beaming.

"It's already stalked up with everything." said Esme.

"Including a piano?" asked Edward.

"Yes. In fact we used this as a good opportunity to get a better piano." said Carlisle.

"No…you didn't! You got a _Steinway_*?!" asked Edward.

"Yes." answered Esme.

"Wow! Thank you so much!" Edward exclaimed.

"Alright, now that all this is taken care of, I need to take a care of Bella and her broken bones." said Carlisle.

Bella blushed scarlet.

"Really, it's not that bad. I don't need to be treated special or anything." said Bella, looking down at the ground.

"Bella, you're family now, and a danger magnet. You're not being treated special, it's just that I happen to be a doctor, and you injure yourself frequently." said Carlisle.

"Alright." sighed Bella.

After Bella was taken care of, Edward began pulling Bella towards the house.

"Come on, let's see how your song sounds on my new piano!" he exclaimed.

"And so the battle continues…" murmured Jasper.

"The Teddy Bear Civil war shall continue tomorrow at 10:00am sharp. Until then…" began Emmett.

"To the bomb shelter?" asked Jasper.

"To the bomb shelter." Emmett agreed.

"To my study." said Carlisle, feeling left out and needing to say something.

* A _Steinway_ is a really nice and expensive piano.

**I hope you liked this chapter. Now I must go, to the bomb shelter! Please read and Review!**

**-CrankyFrenchLady88**


	20. Hey Readers!

Hey readers! I know you were expecting a chapter, and I'm sorry. But, I need your help. I need ways to annoy Charlie (I am not telling you why until late). Nothing inappropriate like "tell him what really happened on Bella and Edwards honey moon" or stuff like that. Anything else is great! All entries will be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much you guys!

-CrankyFrenchLady88


	21. Hello Everyone!

Hey everyone! I am sorry, I know you were expecting an update, but I promise you, that WILL happen soon. Anyways, my friend Julia and I have started a joint account on fanfiction. We are called **Loonies88314**. We just published a story called The Adventures of Phillip and Fred, and we'd love you to read it! It is under Twilight fanfiction because Phillip, Fred, and a few other characters are adopted by the Cullens later on in the story. So if ya'll could read it, we'd really appreciate it. This is my friend Julia's first time as an author on fanfiction and could really use your support. So what do ya say! Wanna check out our story? If we get a lot if reviews, I PROMISE to update with a super awesome fantastically amazing chapter, okay! Now go read the story!

Thanks so much!

CrankyFrenchLady88


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